Self-Preservation

After 2019, my main method of survival has been creating tasks set in the future that others rely on. This unspoken expectation of my actions, though everything, is somehow enough to keep me in check.

For the most recent scenario, I have recently obtained access to my kill switch, imported successfully from Turkey. Despite urges and desires to use it immediately, it would make a fool of my character to get hired for a job and immediately become permanently unavailable before my first day; especially after space was made specifically for me to become employed. The latter end of this sentence is an even stronger deterrent. This is a semi-long term solution, yet a very reckless action. Long term is defined as a future task more than a few days in advance, given that the majority of tasks in relation to this topic are set within a few days at most.

If the job doesn't pan out in my favor, or is otherwise inferior to the job I left, I do not know how long I can exist without creating a future project or task. While success at this job isn't an endgame, it has been one of the last tasks I have created for myself, meaning I don't directly have anything to work to after this other than succeeding within the company. I am only really working here in order to pass time. I am still impressively unhealthy, psychologically speaking. I still don't necessarily have an ultimate goal with any of my actions. I only picked up the job after an old classmate mentioned it to me. Maybe this is somewhat appealing to put on a resume if I am able to work here for an extended period of time?

That's mostly to say that, other than a few events that are likely to occur before the end of the year, of which may even drastically change my life and those around me; I am doubtful that I will be around to see them.

My motivation isn't at an all-time low. It's at the same low I've been at ever since late 2018. My previous "all-time low" has realistically become my baseline.

I'm sorry that I don't have a positive outlook and I am sorry that I'm not in the same physical and mental situation most normal members of society are in. However, no amount of positive thinking will change reality. As a person who is aware of the circumstances I am in, I can authoritatively guarantee you that a person who can appear psychologically sane within these situations may realistically have depersonalisation skills that mirror that of a schizophrenic.

I don't believe that I am on record of explicitly noting this, but it is a fact. Almost every hour of every day within the past few years, I have wanted to see myself dead.

Sometimes I'll remind myself before I even open my eyes for the first time in the morning.

This isn't an enjoyable experience.

This isn't living.