Music

Beautiful World (Da Capo Version) was created as a complimentary of One Last Kiss, and it's the first rendition of the track that I've listened to. While both songs were created for an anime, anime is a form of media I don't consume, alongside any other type of TV show or movie; I genuinely appreciate the music here for what it is.

The song represents inner pleadings for interpersonal closeness, and the unmitigated intensity of the cravings experienced therein. It creates a mental oasis of an idealised relationship between a close and specific partner, much like Sanctuary / Passion. An example as seen in the ending of this clip of Passion, Utada can be shown carrying songs solely with their voice, being the prominent or the only instrument conducting the song. The same occurs in the ending of Beautiful World, though it happens much more unexpectedly, and her voice, while being prominent throughout the song, cuts out without a clear indication.

During the song, Utada is only expressing their unwavering desire to embrace their partner. But it goes unresolved for the duration of the song -- never necessarily seeing any fulfillment. Beautiful World ends with that desire remaining a mere yearn, which ends up making the song her internal pleading, all for naught. The passion for the future and precedent that was envisioned - slowly to realise that it has remained silenced, and only a dream. It's exactly what I experience as the vocals cut out, leaving only the instrumentation continuing the vocal melody. It's just like how the world continues to rotate and time moves forward, no matter how life-stopping any event in your life seems to be.

A similar song is Chess Galea's production of Al Fine, used as the main theme in the risqué video game Bayonetta 3.

The song is insanely impressive by pairing accordion within the main melody with sultry vocals, a highly unusual combo. While dramatically varying in terms of instrumentation, Al Fine is similar in that it expresses intense emotions of belonging and adoration towards another person.

However, taking a closer look at these lyrics:

• I know you'll miss me when I'm gone
  • Save your tears, this is where we belong

and,

• And when this ends, hold on tight to our memories

These clearly are coming from the perspective of defeat. Unlike Utada's songs, which often idealise a bright future, Chess ensures that it is known that regardless of any hardship, even one that destroys her, their bond is inseparable. It opens the possibility of turbulence and defeat, and accepts it rather than dwell upon it. It's a perspective to vulnerability that is rare to find in relationships, and represents one of the purest bonds and trust between two people that I easily forget people are capable of, especially when they're wound up in superficial social rankings or physical features. It's very ironic coming from this specific game.

These songs often make me feel helpless. Am I sad for them? I don't know if it's underlining my own documented issues with loss. This interpretation isn't necessarily related to the lyrics either. Why does music have this effect on me? They're strong enough to evoke intense emotion out of me and it's not a good thing. I've become attached to certain tracks and often can't function outside of my house without singing them, listening to them, or at the very least mentally listening to them. During 2018-2019, and also due to misophonia, I've had to make a specific case to my managers to allow me to wear my earbuds during work to keep my mental state in check. I've since learned to operate by listening to the music mentally, but this is the point we're at now.

There's times I have to avoid songs strictly because I want to maintain a neutral emotional state. As an example, DUET has narrative significance within the game it hails from. I have a difficult time passively listening to the song without being emotionally affected, due to various factors that aren't limited to the narrative, but real-life extrapolations stemming from it. The title theme OMORI has a more severe effect.

It really doesn't make any sense. I've begun speaking to a psychiatrist about it. I recognise it as an issue if it's affecting my day-to-day functionality and emotions.