Music

I swear that nothing makes me feel as hopeless and depressive than the closing of Beautiful World (Da Capo Version).

It's a remake of a song of the same name created for a show named Neon Genesis: Evangelion. This Da Capo version was created as a complimentary of One Last Kiss. They were both created for the anime series I mentioned, but the thing is that I've never watched Evangelion, and generally don't like anime at all. The songs here just carry strong emotional implications that I can't let go of.

Throughout the song, Utada gives examples of the tantalizing scenes of emotional closeness that she wants to share with the subject of the song. It creates a mental oasis of an idealised relationship between this close partner, much like Sanctuary / Passion. But even if you didn't know this, I'd wager that you'd be able to feel it in in the vocals and tone of the song.

For example, as seen in the ending of this clip of Passion, Utada can be shown carrying songs solely with their voice, being the prominent or the only instrument conducting the song. During the ending of Beautiful World, she uses this same method to convey her passion for what she's singing about. Though, in Beautiful World, this example happens much more unexpectedly. Shortly after the opening, the listener is conditioned to expect an "answer" for the background phrases "beautiful world" and "beautiful boy". These "answers" are where these emotional pleadings are located, bluntly romanticising the ideas of what she admires about her partner, or justifying her own temperamental behaviour. However, in closing, these phrases go unanswered, almost implying that she has given up on expressing these desires. And her voice, while previously appearing prominent throughout the song, weakens and eventually disappears while self-validating her emotions by repeating "it's only love". She repeats this, gradually fading, being overtaken by an single instrumental solo until the very end.

During the song, Utada is only expressing their unwavering desire to embrace their partner. But there is never a progression of this relationship. These desires end up never being fulfilled during Beautiful World. It ends with that desire remaining a mere yearn. Being silenced, as if everything you've heard up until the end was all for nothing. The passion for the future and precedent that was envisioned - slowly to realise that it has remained silenced, and only a dream. It's exactly what I experience as the vocals cut out, leaving only the instrumentation continuing the vocal melody. It's just like how the world continues to rotate and time moves forward, no matter how life-stopping any event in your life seems to be.

Of course, from what I think I know about Evangelion, I don't believe this is the actual intention, and the song is meant to convey the exact opposite of the undertones than what I presented here. But either way, almost any song I listen to tends to have to have these mental headcanons that have these emotional effects on me, and I also often listen to them in order to supplement a specific emotion or train of thought. Feeling helpless? Beautiful World. Feeling appreciated, or somewhat inspired at a new beginning? One Last Kiss. When I feel like a unhelpful bystander while someone is going through a rough period? BAD モード (BAD Mode).

A similar song to Beautiful World is Chess Galea's production of Al Fïné, used as the main theme in the video game Bayonetta 3.

These songs often make me feel helpless. Am I sad for them? I don't know if it's underlining my own documented issues with loss. This interpretation isn't necessarily related to the lyrics either. Why does music have this effect on me? I've become attached to certain tracks and often can't function outside of my house without singing them, listening to them, or at the very least mentally listening to them. During 2018-2019, and also due to misophonia, I've had to make a specific case to my managers to allow me to wear my earbuds during work to keep my mental state in check. I've since learned to operate by listening to the music mentally, but this is the point we're at now.

There's times I have to avoid songs strictly because I want to maintain a neutral emotional state. As an example, DUET has narrative significance within the game it hails from. I have a difficult time passively listening to the song without being emotionally affected, due to various factors that aren't limited to the narrative, but real-life extrapolations stemming from it. The title theme OMORI has a more severe effect. I've recently had to physically remove myself from a room because I couldn't handle the narrative significance of inadvertently hearing a certain type of ringtone coming from another person's device. Why? You'll have to ask me about that in person.

It really doesn't make any sense. I recognise it as an issue if it's affecting my day-to-day functionality and emotions. I don't like this attachment I have to audio.