Music

Starting to think that music is having a more powerful effect that it has any right to.

For the past few months, I've been listening to Hikaru Utada's 2021 version of their 2007 song Beautiful World.

Beautiful World (Da Capo Version) was created as a complimentary of One Last Kiss, and it's the first rendition of the track that I've listened to. While both songs were created for an anime, anime is a form of media I don't consume, alongside any other type of TV show or movie; I genuinely appreciate the music here for what it is.

The song represents inner pleadings for interpersonal closeness, and the unmitigated intensity of the cravings experienced therein. It creates a mental oasis of an idealised relationship between a person who helps the subject of the song feel secure, much like Sanctuary / Passion. An example as seen in the ending of this clip of Passion, Utada can be shown carrying songs solely with their voice, being the prominent or the only instrument conducting the song. The same occurs in the ending of Beautiful World, though it happens much more unexpectedly, and her voice, while being prominent throughout the song, cuts out without a clear indication.

During the song, Utada is only expressing their purest desires to embrace the other party. But it goes unresolved for the duration of the song and never necessarily clears, and ends with that desire remaining a dream, which ends up making the song an internal pleading all for naught. The passion for future and the precedent you've created turned into nothing and silenced, is exactly what I experience precisely at the 5:25 mark, where Utada's voice unexpectedly leaving while the instrumentation and background vocals continue on, unwavering, just like how the world continues to rotate no matter how large an event or person in your life seems to be.

It makes me feel helpless. Am I sad for them? I don't know if it's underlining my own documented issues with loss. This interpretation isn't necessarily related to the lyrics either. Why does music have this effect on me? They're strong enough to evoke intense emotion out of me and it's not a good thing. I've become attached to certain tracks and often can't function outside of my house without singing them, listening to them, or at the very least mentally listening to them. During 2018-2019, and also due to misophonia, I've had to make a specific case to my managers to allow me to wear my earbuds during work to keep my mental state in check. I've since learned to operate by listening to the music mentally, but this is the point we're at now.

There's times I have to avoid songs strictly because I want to maintain a neutral emotional state.

It really doesn't make any sense. I've begun speaking to a psychiatrist about it. It's pathetic, but I recognise it as an issue if it's affecting my day-to-day functionality and emotions.

A similar song is Chess Galea's production of Al Fine, used in the risque video game Bayonetta 3.