Music

Starting to think that music is having a more powerful effect that it has any right to.

For the past few months, I've been listening to Hikaru Utada's 2021 version of their 2007 song Beautiful World.

Beautiful World (Da Capo Version) was created as a complimentary of One Last Kiss, and it's the first rendition of the track that I've listened to. While both songs were created for an anime, that is a form of media I don't consume, alongside any other type of TV show or movie; I genuinely just like the track.

The song represents inner pleadings for interpersonal closeness. It creates a mental oasis of an idealised relationship between a person who helps the subject of the song feel secure, much like Sanctuary

I've been trying to understand why for a while now, and all I can come up with is that the feeling of loss I experience during the closing, is nearly the same of losing a person that you've spent a great deal of time building a relationship with. This can be any close friend, coworker, or a partner, for example. The passion for future and the precedent you've created turned into nothing and silenced, is exactly what I experience precisely at the 5:25 mark, where Utada's voice disappears leaving only the backing, and the instrumentation moving the song along.

Maybe because, during the song, Utada is only expressing their purest desires to embrace the other party. But it goes unresolved for the duration of the song and never necessarily resolves, and ends up being an internal pleading for naught.

It makes me feel helpless. This interpretation isn't necessarily related to the lyrics either. Why does music have this effect on me? They're strong enough to evoke intense emotion out of me and it's not a good thing. I've become attached to certain tracks and often can't function outside of my house without singing them, listening to them, or at the very least mentally listening to them. During 2018-2019, and also due to misophonia, I've had to make a specific case to my managers to allow me to have my earbuds on during work to keep my mental state in check. I've since learned to operate by listening to the music mentally, but this is the point we're at now.

It really doesn't make any sense. I'm at the point where I've attempted to speak to a psychiatrist about it. It's pathetic.