April 17th, 2024
I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be inherently grateful for.
The gift of losing the memories you've fought hard to protect?
The elation of misophonia shaping how you navigate life?
A body that rejects most foods introduced to it, leading to a highly restrictive diet?
An unending requirement to be surrounded by music just to maintain a decent mental baseline?
Experiencing constant daily tension between an opportunistic roommate?
The joy of everyone you've been close to dying off, and knowing that nothing you do can prevent the deaths that are yet to occur?
A job with increasing demands coupled with diminishing pay, that was lower than the local grocery store to begin with?
Being forced to interact with a society of people who are programmed to be selfish and serviced, while having no actual market value on their own?
How do you think it feels to be constantly taken advantage of and used by almost every individual person that is in your life? How the graciousness you extend to others has almost never been considered or returned in any capacity?
How do you think it feels to be cast aside, despite being there for others when they needed it?
I can count on less than one hand how many times I have had a simple favour returned in the past two years.
Memories - they're why Halcove exists. Yet, at this point, they're being corrupted and damaged by new experiences that ruin how I look back on my old memories. The people who I thought were decent, the future I so strongly wanted to shape...
Existing wouldn't be so bad if there were any person in my life that had a singular redeeming trait. But statistically, almost everyone I deal with on a daily basis are opportunistic assholes. I give my heart, money, and wellbeing away for being treated like a stranger in return. I have loaned people a non-negligible amount of money while I, myself, was struggling, and literally homeless. That was a year ago. I have not seen a cent of it back.
At this point, I gave you all of me until there was nothing left.
I have nothing left in my heart but despair. And no matter how much you want to systemically place the blame on the person experiencing their despair, I can guarantee you that if you're reading, you are entirely responsible for my current state.
Why do people still pretend to be aloof as to someone's certainty in their viewpoint that they hate humans and human interactions? Why do you blame the sufferer for their suffering, if their viewpoint is based solely on repeated negative experiences?
Why do people still pretend that that all issues that lead people to suicidal intentions are "temporary" issues, even if they are chronic issues that consume someone's lifespan?
I'm sorry that I let myself be constantly taken advantage of. It was a mistake to assume there was any amount of decency left here.
I haven't gotten into any details on this page, but I'm living in Hell right now and am now actively interested in finding an escape from it.